a bum like me~

i feel stupid. i feel empty. i feel desperate. i am drenched in the darkness of my ignorance.
i need people. i need people to nedd me
to remember me.
to love me.
to care for me

i know, my family hearts me. but i dont display my emotions with them.

i fill up my stupid time, the emptiness in me by surfing porn.

fuck it! what's wrong with me. i am never happy with what i get. i always want something i dont have.

when my mom gets online, i sign out of the site. my family provides the love that i seek. but i dont appreciate them enough to tell them all about me. to share stories as how people in love does.

i fill up my time reading shonen manga. always full-spirited and know what they want.not letting others affect and stop their dreams. thats how it works. sure, i really feel the excitement, the atmosphere, the non-stop actions but i have no clue where to direct them at for i have no goal in my life.

superficially, i have everything. parents, sisters, brother, friends. best friends. teachers who love me. education. i can d anything i want. but i still feel empty inside. is it really because i constantly need a boyfriend? people to go desperate for me? i still dont know how to think. no kidding.i would just stare at something and not be able to think of the solution of anything. i see things superficially and things just pass through my mind, not stick in there. i feel like a bum.

i jus dont know anymore where to face anymore. for these 13 months i had been living aimlessly,following what my teachers and parents and friends tell me to do. i seem energetic,jolly,fun and enthusiastic and the source of my friends laugh. but when i am alone even for a minute, i lose myself. i feel lonely and dont know what to do, so clueless..i know i'm supposed to be studying but in this situation, i cant think anymore..i feel useless. tht's why i'm writing this. i need to get them out of my head.